El Fin

1/12/08
I can’t believe I am saying it, but the semester is wrapping up. In just nine short days I will be boarding a plane for Peru and my time here in Chile will be coming to a close. I don’t really know what to think now, the past three months of my life have been so completely different than anything else I had experienced previously. I remember arriving in Santiago at the airport and realizing for the first time that this was going to be different when the women directors came up and kissed me on the cheek to greet me. This simple cultural custom that I hadn’t experienced before in the U.S. was a sign of things to come. Now that I have been living here for over three months it is something I take for granted. I have truly enjoyed my time here for a variety of reasons.

First, the formal learning experience. I would like to say that my Spanish is infinitely better than when I arrived, and my English worse for it. Every conversation is a learning experience and a way to better my abilities. At times I have grown tired of not being able to express myself thoroughly, but I have to admit it is fun sometimes to test what I can do. This has really taught me the importance of communication and taught me to view the way that people communicate and interact with each other in a completely different light. This is one aspect I truly wish to continue with once I return, although I know it will take some effort on my part to maintain and practice my Spanish.
Next, adapting to a different way of life and different culture. At first I was afraid almost every step of the way trying not to stand out and trying so hard to mesh with this distinct culture. I realized somewhere along the process, that there is no way that was going to happen. I am a gringo, and although they call me Pepe there is nothing that will change that fact. It is certain that I have picked up a lot of the customs and don’t seem as much like an awkward outsider, but at the same time I have grown to live with constantly being different than everybody else in the room. I hope that it has given me perspective for when I return home and once again fit in with the status quo.
Finally, but not less importantly the forced independence. Sure, I had already gone to college and experienced living on my own for two years, but being forced to fend for myself in a different country in a different language has really taught me to rely myself more than I used to. For example the last little story I wrote in this blog. That would not have been possible at the beginning of this trip, not just because of the language barrier, but because I didn’t have the confidence in myself that I now have. This semester has been a great way to really push my limits and realize that I am capable of taking care of myself (kind of).

All in all it has been a crazy memorable experience that will stick with me for the rest of my life. At the moment I am completely torn. Half of me yearns to stay here and continue the fight – learning Spanish, adapting to the way of life, and exploring all this place has to offer. The other half, though, is tired. It has been months since I could rely on anything or anyone familiar. I know before I meet anyone or before I go to a new place that it is going to be done by “their” rules and not mine. I know that I will never have the upper hand in a situation here just because I am not a native Spanish speaker and it isn’t my home turf. Being a gringo comes with a lot of assumptions, some that allow me almost free reign here, while others are a constant burden that can’t be dismissed. People look at you differently when they learn you are from the United States of America, to them (for the most part) the streets are covered in gold and everything is easy. Nobody has to fight for a living, nothing can possibly go wrong, and you wield absolute power. I had never realized before the full scope of what it means to be a U.S. citizen, and although the generalizations they make aren’t necessarily true, just being from the U.S. does provide certain indisputable advantages. It is time, though, to return home. As much as I would like to stay I realize the necessity to see friends and family and almost a break from this constant test. I know now though that I will return, but that more than ever I want to leave what is comfortable. I look back now and think of all of the things I could have done better to take advantage of this experience and it just makes me want to do it that much more at some other point in my life.

To end this, I need to say thanks. I first need to start with thanking people that will never read this, my family here in Valparaíso. Throughout this entire time they have done nothing except offer me every possible accommodation and assistance. My mother here, Teresa, has been amazing. I don’t even know where to begin. She single-handedly has carried me through this process. She has been inviting to me from the start and I have felt comfortable discussing any topic with her (way too comfortable, maybe), but at the same time offering me full independence to figure things out for myself. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had such a welcoming family, and honestly have not a single complaint. Just as importantly I have to thank all of you reading this and all the people from back home that have given me their support over the past three months. At times being in another hemisphere has been isolating, but being able to talk to everybody back home and abroad has really gotten me through it. I also owe all of you an apology in that I know I have been a flake a lot of the time. With so much happening over here and minimal internet access it has been hard for me to keep up with everybody, and I want everyone to know that I appreciate all of them for sticking around even though I wasn’t always the ideal receiver. Lastly, to another group of people that probably won’t ever read this, all my fellow students on the program. Inevitably groups will form – that is just human nature, especially when some of us are separated by an hour, but the relationships that we have formed and the strength that we have provided each other has been key to our success. We survived, we made it, and we even thrived here.

As I leave this crazy place, I wonder where the next few years will take me and can only hope for more adventures similar to this one. Thanks for reading and experiencing this adventure with me for the past several months. It has truly been my pleasure to share it with you.